Friday, February 27, 2009

Thursday, December 13, 2007

A Day in the Life

5:45am – wait in front of porn shop for taxi in 20 degree weather panicking about missing my 6:45am flight to a work conference

6:05 – Still no cab. Drag my 2 exploding bags to the parking lot and try to break through the 1 inch of ice on my car doors. 10 expletives later, I stop before I pull the door handle off and really give myself something to cry about.

6:10 – More waiting in the middle of the street hoping someone nice drives by. Between the prison, homeless shelter, and porn shop it may be the perfect trifecta for hitchhiking or bikehiking if you include the homeless as a form of transportation.

6:15am – Place the 5th “not so nice” phone call to Capital Cab Co, one finally arrives. I hope those calls aren’t recorded for quality assurance.

6:16am – Chew out the taxi cab driver who I know has absolutely no responsibility, but it feels fabulous to blame him…until I get out at the airport and am forced to tip well out of guilt. Damn my guilt. It truly is a disability!

6:26am – Plead with 80’s hair united airlines chick to still let me check-in and board the plane. Decide to go home after my pleasantries aren’t appreciated and before they call security.

6:30am – Try to get a cab back home. What respectable city in the US does not have a slew of cabs sitting outside of the airport? I know one.

6:40am – Decide to get coffee and breakfast at the airport since I’m probably blacklisted from cab services in DSM for a good year.

7:40am – Decide to plead again with Madonna for an earlier flight. My persuasiveness works and she books me on the next flight…For an extra $50. Funny, later they had no record of me paying the $50. Hope she puts it to good use with some great White Rain product.

10am – Land in Denver, go to gate, find out booked on wrong flight to Salt Lake and I’ll be stranded for the next 5 hours. Guess my charm was translated to: Participate in the Screw Me Over today festival. So much for paying extra.

11am – Treat myself to an awesome massage at the airport. My lowrise jeans make the massage therapist uncomfortable since my panties peek out and he has to keep pulling my shirt down. Not the first time my panties have been distracting, but it is the first time I paid for them to be distracting.

1pm-3pm – Conference calls. Work Schmirk. Boss says the airport noises are distracting on the conference call and can I place my phone on mute. How in the world can I dominate the discussion and voice my very important opinions if I’m on mute? Decide that couldn’t really be what she wanted so I talk more and mute less. Have a feeling this was not the right move.

3:50pm – Finally boarded and Hot Guy about my age sits beside me. Ring check – negative! Gay? Nope! Day is finally looking up!!! He is extremely friendly, articulate, and very well-dressed. I know, and he really wasn’t gay! I begin thinking about how it must be fate. Hot Guy reveals that he also has his pilot’s license and owns a plane as a “hobby”. Are you kidding me? There is a God! This should make distance dating a bit easier and the proposal come quicker. 10 minutes later he drops a line about his wife and 2 kids. I guess I was flying to Utah Mormanland. Maybe we could share? I pull out my book and don’t speak until we land. Men suck.

7pm – Not all men suck. I get a free upgrade to a suite at the resort with a fireplace. He apologizes that they don’t have woodburning fireplaces left only gas. Oh, then send me back home. What?!? I guess I'll take it. This place is NUTS! Only thing better is if there is a hot .com guy with nuts to share this room. I'll ask about that upgrade tomorrow. I love my job!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Blue Balls, Crystal Balls, Kick in the Balls

Welcome to my blog! Thanks for reading the nonsense that fills my head. Feel free to comment as this definitely cheaper than therapy.

If I had to choose one ball, it would be?
A)Blue balls
B)Crystal ball
C)Kick in the balls
D)All of the above

Answer: D - All of the above

Blue Balls - The ex-fiancé whom I will call "Tool Boy" has a bad case of blue balls. He continues to try to get on me morning and night. Does anyone want to tell him to stop thinking with his jackhammer? Does it make any sense that Tool Boy waits until it is too late to worry about using his jackhammer on this job? I have a hard time feeling sorry about his blue ball situation when I know he was providing free estimates. I thought of anonymously sending a blow-up doll and a penthouse subscription to see if that would take care of the blue ball situation. If anyone has any other ideas, please share!

Crystal Ball - I have been looking on Craigslist and eBay for a good crystal ball. I am at the point of my life where I have so many choices to make and it is hard to know what direction is the best. I keep hearing, "listen to your heart". I'm not sure that my heart is very far from my ass. It keeps giving me shitty advice and I can never trust a silent but deadly confidant.

Kick in the Balls - I would love to give Tool Boy a good kick in the balls. Wrong? Yes. Would I still feel pleasure in making him fall to the ground and scream like a school girl? Yes. So just this morning he tells me that my ass looks nicer now. Exact words, "Looks like you don't have as much cottage cheese right there". Was that a compliment? Really?!?!?

Extra Credit Essay - All this talk about balls, reminded me of an inappropriate ongoing conversation that I have with the volleyball crew. If you had a one-night stand with a guy, would you notice if he had one ball or two?
You might be surprised that this little question sparks hours of intense debate. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that we have surveyed the bar a few times in an effort to solve this dilemma. I don't have a clear winner on this social experiment, but please feel free to register your vote. Please note, these results will not be scientific and have not been endorsed by the nonprofit movement for better sex "organ"ization. Hee Hee...I couldn't resist.